It's not the transience that hurts, but the desire for permanence!

"Temporariness doesn't cause us pain; it's the desire for the temporary to become permanent that is the source of pain."

Because as life flows by, our minds want to freeze it.

Let the relationship remain the same.

May your health not deteriorate.

Don't let your status drop.

May the feeling of trust never be shaken.

May your success continue to grow.

But the nature of life is not "stability," but change .

1) Where Does Suffering Begin? When “Fact” and “Demand” Collide.

Transience is a fact .

The desire for permanence is a demand .

Much of the suffering stems not from change itself, but from these inner thoughts:

• "It shouldn't have been like this."

• "It should have stayed like this."

These two sentences transform the experience from "a moment lived" into "a situation contested." As the objection grows, the need for control increases; as control increases, internal tension rises.

The mind, instead of seeing reality as it is, attaches a label of "what should be" to it. This label exacerbates the experience; because now the pain stems not only from the event itself, but also from the shattering of expectations. In fact, the conflict is not with life, but with the demands of the mind.

2) Buddhist Lens: The Root of Dukkha is Holding On

The Four Noble Truths , the fundamental framework in Buddhism , associate the cause of "suffering/dissatisfaction" (dukkha) particularly with craving/attachment . In other words, the problem is often not that "change exists," but rather the demand that "there should be no change."

Let's translate this into everyday language:

• "This relationship is mine; it should always stay that way ."

• "This success is mine; it must never fall ."

• "This body is mine; it shouldn't grow old ."

When the mind treats the temporary as permanent, it enters into a contract that is contrary to the nature of life. And because that contract is constantly broken, it constantly produces suffering.

Holding on, contrary to what we might think, doesn't create security; it actually creates vulnerability. Because the tighter we hold on, the more threatening the possibility of losing feels. In a Buddhist perspective, freedom comes not from accepting loss, but from being able to see loss as a part of life.

3) Stoic Perspective: Freezing the River, Rowing

Epictetus's Stoic compass is very clear: some things are within our control, some are not. Those things within our control are our judgment, our desires, our avoidance, and our actions—that is, the parts that "come out of us."

The Stoic move makes the following transformation:

• Instead of saying "Let me lock the outcome," say → "Let me make the right choice."

• Instead of "Let the world not change" → "Let my stance remain firm."

This isn't indifference; it's about directing energy to the right place. Because you can't freeze life, but you can train your own attitude .

Stoicism is not an effort to expand control; it is a discipline to clarify the scope of control. It teaches one to adjust one's own decisions and behavior when circumstances change, rather than blaming the system. Therefore, Stoic calmness is not passivity, but a conscious strength.

4) Modern Science: Why Do We Cling to It So Much?

Holding on is not only a philosophical construct but also a psychological one: losses are felt to weigh heavier than gains. Kahneman & Tversky's Prospect Theory summarizes this as "losses loom larger than gains."

That's why the mind wants to "lock in" what's going well:

• Seeking reassurance in a relationship,

• That's the need for certainty.

• Sensitivity regarding status,

• The battle against "aging" in the body...

However, what you're trying to lock up is fluid. The attempt to lock up fluid is often the root cause of the suffering.

The brain perceives uncertainty as a threat, making clinging on feel like a survival reflex. But in the modern world, much uncertainty is not a threat, but a natural consequence of change. The problem isn't uncertainty itself, but the rigid defenses we've developed against it.

5) The Way Out: Not Indifference, but Mastering the Flow

The solution isn't some cold, "attached place" to nothing. It's a more humane goal:

• Instead of owning → a sense of responsibility.

• Instead of holding on → being able to make contact

• Instead of guaranteeing → being able to provide guidance.

I summarize it in a single sentence:

Life is like a river. I can't control the current, but I can learn to row.

Mastering the flow isn't about giving up; it's about being flexible. It's about being able to readjust the oar without panicking when the river's direction changes. This skill doesn't completely eliminate pain, but it prevents it from sweeping us away.

60-second micro-practice (once a day)

1. Name the feeling: “Right now I have _______________.”

2. Capture the request: “My mind wants ______ to be permanent / wants ______ never to exist.”

3. Shift the focus to: “ My reaction and choice are within my control .”

These three steps don't eliminate transience; however, they make visible the "imposition of permanence" that amplifies suffering. What is visible becomes manageable.

Now please think about this for a moment:

What hurts you more: change itself, or wanting something to "forever"?

References;

Epictetus. (n.d.). The Enchiridion (E. Carter, Trans.). MIT Classics. https://classics.mit.edu/Epictetus/epicench.html

Encyclopaedia Britannica. (2025, October 31). Four Noble Truths. https://www.britannica.com/topic/Four-Noble-Truths

Encyclopaedia Britannica. (2025, December 4). Buddhism: The Four Noble Truths. https://www.britannica.com/topic/Buddhism/The-Four-Noble-Truths

Siderits, M. (2011). Buddha In EN Zalta (Ed.), The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/buddha/

Kahneman, D., & Tversky, A. (1979). Prospect theory: An analysis of decision under risk. Econometrica, 47(2), 263–291. https://web.mit.edu/curhan/www/docs/Articles/15341_Readings/Behavioral_Decision_Theory/Kahneman_Tversky_1979_Prospect_theory.pdf